10 Proven Ways to Negotiate

                                 A Societal Observation

                                                 (Positive outcomes are not guaranteed)

Division I: Nothingness

Step 1:  Know nothing;

                              Caller:    Hi, I’d like to speak to my child? 

                              Answerer:  He’s not here.

                              Caller:  What do you mean he’s not there?

                             Answerer: You never dropped him off.

Step 2: Admit nothing;

                              Caller:  I did drop him off.

                               Answerer:  I’m looking at the log.  You never signed him in.

                               Caller:  Yes I did.

                               Answerer:  No sir.  I’m looking at the log.  You’re names not on it.

                               Caller:  Well I wanted to sign him in.  No one was at the desk.

Step 3:  Receive Nothing;

                                 Answerer:  Sir we sent you a notice in the mail regarding our new sign-in procedure.

                                  Caller:  I never got it.  We have a lot of trouble with the mail where I live.

                                  Answerer: Yes sir.  I’m sorry you didn’t get it.  Here’s what I can do.  Did you receive the coupon for the free Ice Cream for your child we sent in the mail?

                                   Caller:  I did.

                                   Answerer:  We can double it.  Would that be okay?

                                    Caller:  Well yes.  But I’m more concerned about your failure to notify me that the sign in procedure has changed.

                                    Answerer:  I am sorry you did not receive our letter….

                                    Caller:  I doubt you even sent it.

                                    Answerer:  Yes sir.  We also sent you an email with the same information.

                                     Caller: I never got no email.

                                     Answerer: Is your email none@none.com?

                                     Caller:  Yes, but I didn’t see no email.  How can you expect me to know the new @#$%#$@ sign-in procedure if I don’t @#%#$@ see them?

                                      Answerer:  So you’re saying sir, you didn’t see them?

                                      Caller:  That’s right!

                                      Answerer:  Sir we called you on 05/05/2008 and spoke with you regarding the new procedures that were going to be put in place.  After we reviewed the changes we asked if you understood the process and you said yes.

Step 4: Hear Nothing;

                                        Caller:  I never heard you tell me about the new sign in procedure.  Don’t you think, if I had heard about it I would have done it.  You must be stupid.  Don’t you think I would have asked some questions? 

                                         Answerer:  Yes sir.  In that phone call we also mentioned that we would be having an In-service, for all customers to attend, to better explain and provide a comfort level with the new sign-procedure.

                                        Caller:  I didn’t know anything about any service thing you’re talking about.

                                        Answerer:  Yes sir.  At the in-service you stood up and asked a question regarding the sign-in procedure.  Specifically you asked, ” would there be anyone at the desk during the sign-in procedure?” to which you were specifically told, “No” 

                                         Caller:  I couldn’t have possibly been at that meeting.  I was deathly ill and in the emergency room.

                                         Answerer:   Sir, we have you on video tape.

Division II: Transference

Step 5:  Obvious Observations;

                                        Caller:  If you have me on tape then you can easily see I am in no condition to receive any training in sign-in procedures.  I was on deaths door for goodness sake.

                                        Answerer:  Yes sir.  After the in-service we had an ice-breaker to get to know the staff and other customers.  We served punch and cake.

                                       Caller:  I’m allergic to cake.

                                      Answerer:  Yes sir.  You and your wife stood up and did the hula for everyone.

Step 6: Assigning Blame;

                                      Caller:  My wife doesn’t dance.  If she was dancing she must have been delirious.  What was in the punch that made her delirious?  This is just great.  First you accuse me of asking a question during an in-service I couldn’t possibly attended and now you’ve poisoned my wife with your wicked “punch” causing her her to dance the hula.

                                        Answerer: yes sir I…….

 Division III: Plausible Deniability

Step 7: Becoming a Lawyer;  

                                      Caller:  Listen F******D .. This call is being recorded. I want you to answer me.  Did you or did you not  have my wife dancing the hula at your service thingy.

                                       Answerer:  Yes sir.  She did agree to participate..as did you.

Step 8: Communicating Clearly;

                                       Caller:  I don’t ******* care what you ******* say about some ******* tape you have or any ******* question I supposedly ******* asked.   I bet you don’t even have a ******* tape.  How am I supposed to know that you have a ******* tape.  You’re Probably ****** lying.  All I wanted to do was talk to my ******* kid and you ******* denied me.

Step 9: Ask for Assistance;

                                       Caller:  I want your ******* name and badge number. 

                                       Answerer:  My name Illya Kuryakin and my badge # is 12345.

                                       Caller: You have been incredably rude.  Who is your supervisor.

                                       Answerer:   Napoleon Solo

                                       Caller:  Get him on the ******* phone right ******* now.  I can’t believe you won’t let me talk to my son.

                                       Answerer:  Sir never said I wouldn’t let you talk to your son. 

                                       Caller:  Yes you did.

                                       Answerer:  No, I said you’re son wasn’t here.

Step 10: Accept Victory;

                                        Caller:  So you’re saying,  if I bring my son down right now,  you would let me talk to him.

                                         Answerer:  Yes sir,  if he were here.

                                         Caller:  Well it’s a bout ******* time! (CLICK)

 

THIS CONVERSATION IS FICTIONAL.  ANY SIMILARITY TO ACTUAL EVENTS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL. 

(But not very unexpected)

These are after all the musings of a mind that wanders.